B I G T R A N S I T I O N

Warning -- Long post ahead and some may find parts of it offensive/unacceptable -- but they are my opinion, my life and this is, my blog after all.

The ticker says I am 33 weeks today and I have 49 days to go. That's about 7 weeks before I pop unless she decides to come into this world sooner. I read that chances of bubs arriving on due date is as slim as 5%. I am not sure what exactly she has in store for me, we shall wait and see.

As the due date draws closer I am beginning to feel all sorts of emotions, regrettably more negative than +. I try to block them out and live the moment as advised, enjoy this journey as everyone tells me that (a) they enjoyed being pregnant and (b) I should cherish this wonderful experience, but currently I have been feeling out of sorts. It may also be that this is just me having too much time on my hands and not having work as my constant distraction per normal working days. As they say, an idle mind breeds evil thoughts.

Anyhow, I made a (personal) conscious decision to have only one child, despite protests from concerned/caring friends and warnings that my only daugther will grow up selfish, spoilt, dysfunctional, etc. For the records, my mum, an only child, turned out extremely well (no I am not biased) so I ain't too worried, I'll get bubba a cat as a step-sibling!

So seeing that I will only go through this once, it is all the more reason I should capture all the happy moments; bubba's first kick, first heartbeat, first ultrasound scan where I got to see her, the day I found out bubba is a girl, the extra attention I get from waiters at restos, the pampering from my loved ones, etc, as I will not be experiencing this again.

Anyways back to my controversial and unacceptable decision (in my society) to have only one child. I made this decision partly because I never wanted to have one in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I love kids, especially toddlers - I have a niece and nephews - but they are not mine, that's the difference. When they cry or get cranky, I can always cop out by giving them back to their parents to sort them out. I don't have to deal with the issues/problems, I merely take on board the fun part.

To be perfectly blunt, I am plain selfish and hate the responsibility that comes with being a parent. It is an appalling trait but do cut me some slack for being honest.

Another reason is that I certainly don't think I am strong enough to go through another pregnancy where I have no control over anything; not my body, not my sleep, not my eating, nothing at all. I have always been able to do everything myself, but now I am made to feel so useless and helpless over my life, even trawling the mall wears me out in no time. At this point, basically any activity just wears me out.

It irks me so much that I cannot bend easily to pick things up, I cannot carry heavy objects, I have no control over my bladder, I need assistance to get up from my lying down/seated positions sometimes and let's not even get into the sore backs, discomforts and the morning sickness episodes.

I don't think bringing up another soul into this world is easy at all or even fair. It is a cruel cruel world and I do not want to inflict the pain that I currently see going on, to my offsprings.

Other reasons are - children are expensive I may as well indulge the best of everything in one (yes I fear I may spoil her), I could not cope with more than one screaming child, I am not mommy material and I really am clueless about bringing up a child.

So back to my gripes.

Firstly, adjusting to staying at home and not going in to work has caused me some mild distressed, if you can call it that. I don't exactly love my work but I definitely find the no-routine days I have had for the past week rather unpleasant. I constantly am consumed with guilt and feel pressured (self-inflicted by my own conscience) to always be cooking and cleaning. Simply because I no longer have work to use as an excuse to delay or to cop out of doing domestic chores.

This new life I lead sounds abit like this - I surf the net hours on end, decide what to cook, cook, iron (it just does not end this), surf the net some more. I have not even included vacuuming, sweeping and mopping in the equation. The three occassions I was out of the house were for a dental apointment, a shopping trip last Wednesday and lunch with colleague today. Apart from that I rotted away at home.

It is sheer boredom I tell you. I do not like watching movies. I do not sew/knit. I would like to go about snapping some photos but weather has been wet and cold and in my 'grande' (size, not mood) condition, I tire easily after long walks.

But.

I have been warned to turn this boredom around to fun acitivites to do whatever I want to do; like catch up on my reading, to enjoy lie-ins (but sleeping is not so comfy anymore), to go shopping etc because once bub arrives, these luxuries will cease to exist. There will no longer be idle time for me to even spell the word 'b-o-r-e-d'. Only problem is to do those activities I would so much like to, like photography, requires alot of enery on my part. Energy which seem to have slowly dissipated recently.

Secondly, the bump has been getting in the way and I am finding it difficult to find a comfortable position, apart from standing up and walking. Bubba also seems to not like it when I lie down flat or on my side. It feels like she is trying to tell me 'please don't squash me mommy' and she reacts in some sort of funny dance, jiggles, movements that make me wonder if she is distressed. Although gynae/midwife assures that it is always good, rather than bad, sign that bubba moves. She used to merely kick or punch me, now I see wave-like movements on my tummy which I find rather scarry and me being me, I don't like feeling any pain from her jabbing so I get quite upset over it. I can be quite a silly cow.

Speaking of sleep, this can sometimes be quite a challenge but I have been having a good past few nights with one million pillows to support/cushion me. So thank god for that. But I do terribly miss sleeping on my sides comfortably, sans bubba's perceived 'protests' and backaches.

Thirdly, I will be flying out next week to have bubs at home but don't feel quite ready to move to hot humid Malaysia in my condition. When I was home a couple of weeks ago, I had a taste of being preggers in a hot hot country and I can assure you, it was most uncomfortable. I was big and sweaty, rashes appeared at some parts of body and I itched alot. I know I have lived there all my life, but being preggers magnified my discomforts. I honestly am not that fussy about the heat back home.

I am a little sad because I don't know if after 12 months, I will return to London again. It depends on IK's work and if things don't work out in Malaysia under the current (sad) state of affairs the country is in; we may come back and I can then continue my employment here. But it may be a bit tricky with a one year old to care for by then. The alternative is ~ I settle down in KL and request for a transfer/seek other employment and if this is indeed the outcome, these will be my final few days left in London. Boo hoo hoo.

With the upcoming trip to deliver bubs back home, I planned to have my last beach holiday before Mr Stork arrives. I love Berjaya Redang and wanted to have a short break - swimming, snorkelling, island hopping, lazing away with good food et al - but realised that it would be not feasible as this is the fasting month. I had to abandon holiday idea. So there goes my holiday for the next couple of years. I am such a pessimist, I apologise for making this sound like having a baby marks the end of my life. I must change my mindset to this -- Going forward, I will have more fun holidays as a family.

Finally I am starting to worry alot about childbirth. The pain, the long labours, the birthplans that did not go as planned (emergency C-sect vs. normal), the pain, the pain and the pain. I have decided on normal birth plus epidural as I don't think I can be in control of my body when the contractions set in. There are all these conditions/right methods of giving birth - the right time to push, as well as a time when not to push even if you feel the urge to (in order to aviod tearing ow ow ow), episiotomy or when long labour exhausts all your energy reserve but you really need to push bubs out else she suffocates. Far too many things to worry about, it is nerve wrecking. Hence the need for drugs. It is just too much for me to focus on once I am in pain. OK OK now I am really stressed. Let's stop at that.

So now that I have aired out my gripes and I have whined a bucket-load, I feel so so bad because I do want to have a healthy and happy bubba and meet her soon, just that I wish the nine months journey was a little less challenging and a little more 'walk-in-the-park' for a (whiny self absorbed brat) person like me.

I must must must start adjusting my mindset that all this change is good for me and having a bubba will improve my life in the most beneficial way ever. I will love someone unconditionally and vice versa, have a special bond with her like no other and become a better, less selfish person that I am now. Maybe all these 'words' amount to nothing much but once I have her in my arms, these feelings of pure unconditional love will descend upon me, and all those discomforts, pain, worries will seem a distant memory.

I pray everything will work out for the best, God-willing.